stuff antonia says.

Tonia

Late night desk shift at the NoRo front desk, where I should be studying for spanish, but I am restless.

I will practice translations.

Este dia fue muy extraño: Today was sort of an off day, to go with the weather this morning. It started out with my bike breaking, and my slipping and falling twice this morning. (TOMS + slick floors = no bueno.) To top it all, I saw a dead squirrel behind the SUB. Strange as it sounds, I found myself choking up a bit. God speaks to some people consistently with rain or butterflies, but he sends me squirrels as symbols of joy. The day perked up a bit, again coinciding with the brightening weather. Bought a ticket for Where the Wild Things Are, got an A on a paper, had dinner with good people...so really, that Relient K lyric, "lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently, so have I" is really fitting.
Voy a Dallas porque necesito a ver mi familia: I miss my family. Not that this should be surprising, necessarily, but I don't know that there has been a time in my college experience so far that I have felt like I legitimately needed a break, and that I needed to go home for that break. It'll be good to see everyone after being away for over two months.

That's about it for now. Time to stop procrastinating,

I hope everyone has a wonderful Fall Friday! :)

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that long-promised poetry blog.

Tonia

what follows is a very random selection of some poetry I recently rediscovered on my computer...some written recently, some from years ago, some with more meaning than others.

I hesitate--
1. I don't want an appraisal of these poems. In a literary sense, they are lacking. I also don't want compliments. It's not about that right now. (I mean, every now and then, I need a cheerleader :]...but there is a time and place.) Writing is many things, but for me, it is more of an expression than a craft. I just do it.
2. I would love feedback with regards to personal response. Do you share experiences, emotions, etc?
3. this probably isn't the only poetry post I will make.
4. I am very angry that blogger won't let me format these in the way I want to. some things need to be indented, rearranged, etc. bah.

Lost and Found

I found my Bible in my laundry basket today
Along with other forgotten things:
A key, some money, a lost t-shirt.
I think I secretly pride my self in being spiritual
without needing what I might call
"the usual bonds of religion."
So, the Truth has been under jeans and underwear
For a week or two.

And my spirit has been empty
For just as long.

Lyrics

The unfamiliarity
And insincerity
Of hospital rooms.
The impersonality
And cruelty
Of needles, tubes, and trays,
drugs, bedsheets and magazines.
This is my summer vacation.

And also,
The Who playing as the soundtrack,
Who are you? Who, who?

Not to mention my father’s voice resounding from
A foreign body—in Spanish, the tongue
That rarely left his tongue.
Ay Dios, mio. Ay Dios, mio.

Oh, my God, oh my God.
Who are you? Who, who?
Oh my God, oh my God.
Who are you? Who, who?

These lyrics of my summer
formed not only my question,
But my song.

Untitled

For a while I was
Despairing—
Losing hope in
Beauty.
But then
The clouds gilded pink
Just melted into the sky
Like cotton candy
Pulled
By sticky spitfingers.

Funeral

I touched her hand and she took it, her
fingers colliding with mine with more power
than I had ever seen her muster. I looked down
and our arms were different colors, sizes, and shapes,
but our hands were the same hands.
She leaned in and her whole body throbbed
against me, as if tuned in
to the pulse beating between our fingers.
I finally had to lean down to see that
she was sobbing
big and guttural and strangely
silent tears.
Right there, it was not
the arrangement of our births that joined us.
Right there,
we were sisters.

Baylor Psalm

Praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD from the Brazos to HEB
Praise Him from the 5th floor of Cashion to the bottom of Waco Creek
Praise Him, all His Bears,
Praise Him, all his students and faculty
Praise Him, Bachelors of Arts, Sciences, Fine Arts, and so on.
Praise Him, all you who seek knowledge.
Praise Him in the works of your hands
Praise Him in your papers, your tests, your projects
Praise Him in the comings and goings of your being
Praise Him from the BSB to Common Grounds.
Praise Him in your laughter, in your friendships
Praise Him in the beauty of sunlight
Praise Him in the glory of His creation
Praise Him for the trees surrounding Old Main, silhouetted across the Texas sky.

Praise the LORD.

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so...consistency?

Tonia

it has happened. my life has gotten in the way of my promises to blog.
promises I didn't actually promise to keep, I guess. (See very first post.)

Life is full, life is good, life is hard, life is...fill in the blank.
the answer changes moment by moment.

but mostly, it is good. I am in one of my favorite spots on earth--this university that I treasure so much. This is the overarching blessing.

Also, I have fallen in love with North Russell. Staff, residents, all. My fellow Prexians may cringe to hear me say it, but I feel that I am in the right place at the right time--a satisfying feeling, one that mirrors my satisfaction in being at Baylor itself. How similar these journeys have been: first met with reluctance and frustration, then complete joy.

And in a lot of ways, Brooks still feels like home, but I'm not bound to it in the way I thought I would be.
A relief.

Besides that, I am relearning what it is to be a college student. And what it is to be in the BIC.
And learning for the first time what it is to be a CL.

Life is fast.

A wonderful moment today--some BICcer friends and I stopped walking in the middle of campus during a passing period. While we weren't doing or saying anything particularly "peaceful," we were still. We were a rock embedded in the stream of students making their way to class, flowing in purposeful motion around us. It felt good to be still.
I wish my days were filled with more moments of "still."

but here I am, instead.
busy, tired...and awake, right now, when I should be asleep.
Poetry blogpost coming soon, I think.

in His beauty, grace, and light,
good night.

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distracted.

Tonia

I'm spending my last few hours at home before going back down to Waco tomorrow morning--packing and thinking.

Mostly I'm thinking of how much I've changed in this past year, and how much has happened since the first time I packed my bags for Baylor. I have made some great friends who I feel will be around for a while. I've survived my first year of research papers and schedule juggling (this gives me a bit of hope--if I did it once, I can do it again...even while being a CL and trying to figure out my life.) I've made some mistakes, and hopefully I will learn from them. I have finally found a church that feels like home (UBC, if you're wondering.) I have found some favorite places in Waco that I've missed this summer--and I thought Waco could never grow on me.

These thoughts perpetuate the anticipation I already feel about moving back--how much more will my life be filled by the time I am packing my bags yet again for Wacko Waco? What will I be writing about a year from now? It's a wild question for me, without, of course, a real answer. So I guess I'll leave it up to the air for now and go back to packing...

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no greater Love.

Tonia

I almost hesitate to post these thoughts, because I fear seeming superspiritual.

Not because of shame of my faith, necessarily, but because I dislike and fear holier-than-thou-ness, or maybe even some notion that I've got it together or have all the answers. (I wouldn't consider the latter fear, except that I have the tendency to trust too much of what I read, even in blogs...)

But enough of disclaimers.

Part I

This morning, as I was running late on my way to a random day of work, I plugged my iPod into my little cheap tape converter in order to listen to some music by my good buddy, Phil Wickham. (and by 'good buddy,' I mean that he does not have an inkling of my existence, but that I follow him on Twitter and like is music.)

anyways.

As I listened to his song "True Love," a thought from some sermon long past popped into my head.

Christ does not love me as a mere part of an amorphous blob called Humanity.

Until January 2008, I had thought of His love and His sacrifice in this way--that it was a sweeping generalization of perhaps unreachable love that doesn't really make sense or isn't daily present. (And, well, it still really doesn't make 'sense.' You could say that grace is nonsensical...)

But while He does love the masses, he also loves ME, personally. YOU, personally.

I once heard this love explained like this:

"If you were the only person that he could rescue by dying by the gruesomeness and agony of the cross--He still would."

Right now, this seems most mind-boggling. Perhaps it's because of my background or just my particular thought process, but my painful confession is this: especially when I was younger, there were times that such a sacrifice did not seem so remarkable. The ethics here seemed simplistic. If you could save countless lives, would you not give up one, even your own? (The T.V. series Heroes comes to mind here...)

As I have grown, considered the cross, and come to understand more of what He did, this idea has changed some.

But it was not until I understood this love and sacrifice to be so personal, that I was completely blown away by it.

He loves ME. Me??

The thought is difficult for me to express, but in some ways, it almost seems harder to love one person than many.

Again, it just blows me away

that His love is not only big enough to reach the masses,
but that it is also big enough to love the individual.

Part II

my fear is that I will not (well, do not) love in this way. Ha, perhaps it's not so much a fear as a reality.

I say that I love people, that I want to care for them, that I want to know their stories, etc. This is the general sentiment.

But what about practically and individually?

I am selfish. So often, I prefer to love in my own way, on my own time, when I feel like it.

But oh, I still 'love' everyone, yes?

Consistency fail.

Part III

My prayer is this (and it seems repetitive because...it is):

that you and I would know this love:personal, rich and deep

and would overflow with it to His glory, because that's all we can do.

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Ghanian Interactions

Tonia

One of my favorite people I come in contact with every day at work is the security guard whose shift starts at the same time I roll into the parking lot in my sweet blue Toyota minivan with a Baylor Parent sticker on the back.

[yeah, I'm supafly.]

anways, we have this routine. When I have to walk outside between offices, he meets me halfway to give me a ride in his golf cart.

It's always the same: I wave, he smiles and nods.
He has salt-and-pepper hair, but I am left guessing at his age.
His broad smile contrasts beautifully against his dark skin.

Our one-minute intervals of conversation are usually the same too.
*words like this denote that he has a thick African accent, and that I do not.*

Aw, yeah, hello, how you ah doing?
Doing well, Kofi. Nothing too exciting.
Aw, yeah...It's too haht.
I know! It's getting to the triple digits today.
It's much too haht for young ladies to be walking out heah. It's so hot,
you can eat it.
Yeah, it's really hot.
Mmhm. It's ok, we have our own air conditioning system!
(he makes breezelike gestures towards the open sides of the golf cart. We
laugh. At this point, he'sdropping meoff.)
Well, thanks for the ride, Kofi. Try to stay cool, O.K.?
O.K. I'll see you latah

So it took me sometime to learn much anything about him. Concretely, I know he's from Ghana, and proud of it, and that he like to work lots of overtime. That's about it. I talked with him just a bit about Obama's recent trip to Ghana, and we talked about Ghana's state of relative peace and prosperity in a ravaged continent.

Here are a few of my favorite encouters:

One day as I was getting out of the cart, I tripped over my too-tall heels. My attempt to look cute that day resulted in embarrasment. Oh, to be a woman... Kofi cursed a little, and delicately told me that I had scuffed the back of my pants. All I could do was laugh, but he wanted to be sure that I hadn't thrown out a hip or something. After I assured him that only my pride was injured, he said, It's O.K you not da only one dis happens to. It happens to everybahdy. Don't be embarrassed.

[he picks me up for my third ride of the day. I'm going to get wonderful
popsicles from a nearby stand. SO good.]
Hello, Kofi. The ladies in HR want popsicles today, so here I am.
Why do all ladies like da sweets? All ladies, aaall ladies in the world, no mattah weah dey ah from, they like da sweets.
It's just the way God made us. You'll have to ask Him about it.
[he laughs and drops me off.]

Mah birthday is next month. On da 2oth.
Aw, I'll be gone by then.
Gone? What do you mean? Where ah you going from heah?
I have to go back to school, Kofi. I'm only here for the summer. My last day is in two weeks.
Ohh O.K. [pauses] well, I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to miss you too, Kofi.
Ah you going to be heah next summah?
I'm not sure. I don't know what next summer will look like.
Only God knows. You may think you know what you ah doing tomorrow, but you nevah know. You gotta ask Him.
That's so true, Kofi. So true.

I love how God sends gifts in such cool ways. Who would have thought that at the place I work (where communication is difficult: everyone speaks Spanish, and many only speak Spanish) I would befriend such a lovely person who brightens my day in golf-cart-ride intervals.
My new mission, as the summer concludes, is to find this Ghanian man the perfect birthday present.

and if you're reading this, I pose the challenge to find a beautiful moment of praise today--whether it's in a conversation, a song, a verse, a cup of coffee, or a Chick-fil-A sandwich. Go for it. You'll find one quick enough.

2 comments |

Discoveries

Tonia

*Disclaimer* The following doesn't even pretend to be quality writing. The blame is to fall on the late hour and the scrambled thoughts. It's basically a contemplative laundry list of things I have discovered this summer, whether they be bits of truth, new obsessions, or revealed characteristics.

I really love playing board games and card games with my friends. It's a cheap thrill, sure, and offers no profundity, but I LOVE them nonetheless. My faves so far are: BANANAGRAMS, "golf," Taboo, Catchphrase.
Heroes. Superpowers are so legittt. AND since it's on instant Netflix, I don't have to be patient weekly. I am hooked. The end.
I don't speak as much Spanish as I thought I did...but a smile is the same in every language.
That perhaps God does not intend for us to be happy, but that He created us for joyful praise.
That God may be hedonistic...talk to C.S. Lewis and Matt Chandler on this one. Relates to #4. Think about it.
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.
The musical stylings of Feist and Keane.
That I'm not always good at being home.
That friendship is difficult sometimes.
That I can do eye reshaping therapy instead of having to wear contacts or glasses!! woot!
That I can find my booklist on bearweb, not blackboard (a rediscovery.)
That He is after my heart.
That I need a new camera.
That I don't really 'need' anything...
That you have to fight to hang on to old friendships.
That five hours can seem like 10 one day, and 2 the next day.
1/2 cup oil+ 1 cup epsom salt + a bit of essential oil = happy exfoliating stuff.
I have very little resolve (another rediscovery.)
That going a whole summer without learning your favorite barista's name will leave you with more than a twinge of regret.
That I love blue/turquoise nail polish.

off to bed...yet another doctor's appointment in the morning. Yay health insurance!

In His beauty, grace, and light,

goodnight...

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